from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
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My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
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I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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