i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
