dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
