one might say we're banned from that church
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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