Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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