he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
