So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Randomize