it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
