we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
