Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
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I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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