I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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