Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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