so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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