We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?