And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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