i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
