this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
