I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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