Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
