But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
