Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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