I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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