life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
