just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
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Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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