Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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