I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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