I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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