Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
