I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
