I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
