My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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