Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
