she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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