At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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