It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
