My friends, they love my intelligence
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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