Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
