ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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