I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Mom said you looked used
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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