I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
