If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
