I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Send help, water and tortillas.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm getting married
To pizza
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
