I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
