Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
