She announced her abortion via fbk
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
