so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
