i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Be still, my beating vagina.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
