i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
