dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
