i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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