did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
