i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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