remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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