I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
