She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
That accounts for only three of the penises
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
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