I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
