My sheets look like a crime scene.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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